sliding into home

This might seem like it’s all about me– but the only reason I can share the below is because I know, it is all about you. And, if only one person truly receives what I have written below– that a genuine spark of I made the connection illumination crosses their brow like Helen Keller with her hand under the well spout– then all this over-exposure will be worth it.portrait of me by THEA COUGHLIN
Who knew a 13-hour drive could be sweet, nay easy? But it was.

Tuesday morning I left Michelle’s (after standing in her drive, tears rolling down my face as we held hands and sang a schoolyard chant we both knew from our New England childhoods<– I KNOW, how queer are we, right?) and was on the road home by noon.  The sky was clear, fabulous cd mixes (gifted to me by Jen Gray and MaryBeth Shaw) looped on repeat — my only sadness was the count of animals (26) and birds (9) that had been killed and lay crumpled at the roadside.

I arrived at my family’s doorstep (how flippin’ convenient–> my parents live next door to my sister and niece) just as the sky darkened and my eyes began to blur.  We had an evening of genuine connection and truth-telling (which, for any of you longtime bluepoppy readers out there, will be QUITE the surprise, no? but hey, I am changing and so is the world around me) as it was the first time we had seen or spoken to each other since they learned that David and I had divorced.

Then I was on the road 4:30 am the next morning as ahead of me was the Pennsylvania turnpike followed by the New Jersey turnpike followed by NYC . . . um, yeah– not a place I wanted to have my morning coffee.  So I boogied and was off the George Washington bridge and crossing into Connecticut just as the clock flipped to 7 am.  Sweet.

From there– an easy slide up across Massachusetts into Vermont and across to New Hampshire.  It was a true surprise to see that the leaves were still on the trees and to register just how damn gorgeous it is in the fall.  I absolutely take it for granted and it was a good thing for me to get away so I could begin appreciating the beauty that is here.photo by Thea Coughlin
Although, let it be said, nine days of full-out sunshine on my most favorite beach with temperatures from 72-75 was heaven.  Heaven.

So, why all the photos of myself here today?

portrait of me by THEA COUGHLIN 
Well, cause the shift has occurred. And damn, if my phone hasn’t been ringing all morning so that I have totally lost the thread of this post (plus, blogger? sometimes you are helpful but you can kinda suck, too).

What I want to say may offend those who hold beliefs that counter my truth. For this I am sorry. I do not mean to offend. I honor your truth, as I honor mine.

For me, the second coming is not about some singular, charismatic figure saving us all.
For me, the second coming will be when each of us allows our full light to shine forth and, as we do this, we bring light to each spirit around us and allow them to connect with their light, too. I see this happening now. I see it happening through blogs as women share glimpses of their quotidian life– through words, through photographs. I see women creating in such gorgeous ways– knitting, cooking, raising children, making a home, decorating their apartments, writing poetry, taking photographs– and sharing it in their blogs, on their websites.

The more creativity, the more love.
The more love, the more light.
The more light, the better able we are to see and experience our souls, our true selves.

So yeah, probably lost quite a few of you up there.

Oh well.

This is my truth.

That gash was a harbinger of change.  From that moment on, I stopped harshing on myself.  I began, instead, offering myself acknowledgement of my beauty, appreciation for my gifts, and a truckload of compassion for my blessed imperfection.

I headed down to OBX with a stomach of apprehension.  For the first time ever, I was launching a SAW session when I was not on top of my game.  Worse, I was operating at about 40% capacity.  I was deeply fatigued, not just physically, but on the spirit level.  I questioned everything I was doing, questioned everything I had set into motion.  I did not know how on earth I was going to manage a brand-new session where part of the gig was feeding 40 people three meals a day for four days.

Here’s where it gets magical:  Michelle.

photo by Arabella Crawford
We spent four mornings together before the session began and all I know is that she. heals. me.

And then– the session itself!  The gathering of the most powerful spirits and collectively, through individual conversations, through walks on the beach, through dancing wildly on tabletops– I was brought back to myself.  Or, rather, my soul finally had the space to step into me (because these conversations and connections helped me shed, once and for all, blocks that kept my light from shining).

(Oh well, I just tried to share the group photo here but it is protected– so you will have to go to the flickr site if you want to see it.  Why are we laughing so hard?  Milo, that little black and white furball of love was racing around us and then DIVE-bombing onto me– but we never knew when.  Sort of like duck duck goose– he’d circle and circle and we’d tense up ready for his leap but he’d keep going and then, when were least expecting it– FLYING DOG in your face.

And so I guess that is the recipe for my joy:  a warm beach, great friends, good food and flying dog in your face.

But the most interesting bit to me in all of this is– only a day or so ago, these photos from Thea arrived in the mail. She had taken them last September during the SAW session.  I was beautiful then.  These are photos of me then.  But I couldn’t see it THEN and so thought it didn’t exist.  Isn’t that funny?

And that’s what I want to say to you.  Wherever in your life you think you are not enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not kind enough, not good enough– I am here to tell you that you are.  You are enough RIGHT NOW.  And if you can’t see it, it’s simply a belief/attitude you need to chuck.  Cause once you do?

Baby, the party is ON.

photo by Thea Coughlin